Reflection: A journey to find my voice

Two thousand and sixteen has been a difficult one for me, both emotionally and physically.  Whilst becoming a Mother has been one of my finest achievements this year (and probably in my lifetime) it’s also been one massive learning experience. I’ve been forced to see habits in myself that I have refused to acknowledge and with the only solution being to face them head on. Adjusting my habits to help me form new ones and thus leading to a clearer perspective, a neutral mind and peace within myself.

I’ve always been the type of person to stuff my thoughts and feelings in a box deep within hoping they’ll magically stay there. Unfortunately there are only so many things you can stuff in a box, or under the carpet so to say. They will resurface, and when they do it’s not just a trickle of thoughts or emotions, it’s everything at once. Every little bit comes bursting out in an uncontrollable explosion.

In social situations I’ve always been quite reserved, I’ve never truly spoken out about how I’ve really felt (unless you know me well enough). Sure, in a work situation (typical gemini!) I have always had the confidence, but on a personal level I haven’t, especially with people with overpowering personalities. I’ve always allowed other people’s opinions and thoughts to overshadow my own. I would often not speak my truth, I’d go along with everyone else, worrying that if I didn’t, I would offend (the last thing I would ever want to do) or alter peoples perception of me.

And on the off chance I would find the courage (and that’s rare) I’d be left with the panging feeling of guilt that I may have just hurt someone. It wasn’t just an emotional feeling, it was physical, right in the heart. So rather than working up the courage and then having this debilitating feeling of guilt, I’d rather just leave myself feeling small in those situations and allowing feelings of anger to set in for not speaking out.

Call it hormones or the intense #tigermama instinct, soon after my sons birth I began to realise that it wasn’t just me anymore. I wasn’t speaking for myself, there was another human being here who I was responsible for. If I wasn’t able to speak for him who would? And there it was staring at me right in the face. The guilt. For all these years I was suppressing that exact emotion. My habit of never speaking out just wasn’t working anymore. The only solution that I could see was to dig deep, find the courage and speak. Speaking from the heart…gracefully and truthfully.

I needed to cut the guilt. It had to stop.

Breaking a habit is hard but I’m determined it can be done. People break habits all the time, and it doesn’t happen in a day, it may not even happen in a year, but one just has to start these things and here I am at the end of a year with a long road ahead of me that I know isn’t going to be easy. But it’s all a process right? and I’m starting off small. I guess it makes it easier to break a habit if it’s for someone you love. My motivation is my son, I want to show him that our strength comes from within, it’s the fire in our belly, the compassion in our heart and our ability to speak the truth that we should never be afraid of. As much as I am doing this for him, I am doing this for me too. It blows my mind that we as adults can learn so much from our children.

Thank you 2016 for opening my eyes to my old habits and showing me that I have courage and the voice to go with it. I’m looking forward to many more life lessons I will come across in 2017.

Have a blessed New Year my friends.

Love Wifey xx

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